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|Sunday, November 30th, 2014|
so was calculating about how much money i have in savings in all the accounts
and then started thinking, what am i ever going to use the money for?
maybe just buy a box to live in in the future, considering i wouldn't be able to get a wife, much less a kid
definitely not a pet
i have no life so there wouldn't be money going that way
don't think i'll live to die old, so maybe some to unno
all the rest, guess it'd be food, eh
but eating by yourself is no fun
should write a will in case i decide to go bye bye
nah, too hard to do either
unless heart attack?
then i should start eating more bacon to load up on the cholesterol
die salty and fatty
sometimes, i wonder if i do so much cause i don't find worth in other things
stresses me out enough and then just blow up
|Tuesday, September 9th, 2014|
there's no words to describe feelings well enough. how do you speak what you feel? there are expressions, sure, but if expressions are perfect, why would people still need to turn words from a page into facial emtions to display the events.
it's gotten to the point where i can't remember what led to what. i really don't think it'd help at all even if i went back to grade 1, and murder those 2 or 3 fuck tards that fuck me up enough would help. was there even any real stress i had back in elementary when i didn't know what i was doing? can you be stressed when you don't know what you're doing?
maybe you can, cause you'd be trying to figure things out on the go i suppose. it's blurred into one big blob now. and shoved deep in my heart. maybe there'd be a heart attack one day when that thing finally decides to block up the arteries. that would be an epic scene, eh?
|Monday, August 25th, 2014|
i actually don't think i've been living for a while, it's been just hanging on, surviving. my mind hasn't been fully functioning for the last few months, only has been getting me to work, back home. i can't even muster up the energy to plan out things for church. well, it's more like i don't see myself being able to succeed in anything anyway so why am i trying. slippy slope, i know. it'll become a huge problem soon. well, that soon is now though. isn't it? soon is always the new now, you tell yourself it'll happen soon, but it's in reality happening now. so where am i right now?
it's no news that i gag when i see people being lovey dovey, but i'm starting to wonder if it's cause i get too jealous of them that i can't stand it. i know it's extremely impossible for it to happen to me, so maybe that's a natural self defense thing. i've thought about unfollowing those that are exhibiting such behaviours on facebook, but then, what would i be left with on my page? most likely nothing especially since i only really follow 25% of the ppl on my list now.
is it easier to walk into oncoming traffic or into the sea from a cliff?
|Monday, July 28th, 2014|
...what to do when the thought deserves more than a sentence? you go start a new journal article
so the more you repeat something, the more you'll believe it
i keep repeating that i'm depressed, so now, maybe it's time to repeat to myself that i'm not depressed
but when everything in life is against me, how
|Wednesday, July 2nd, 2014|
you ask wua, there's another one coming?
i answer yeah. what do you expect when i'm pissed off and i don't want to talk
oh sleep on keyboard fun
so i can talk to people to motivate them to do something for themselves, yet, i cant do it to myself
is it just because i won't listen to myself, or it doesn't sound like something that'd actually work
or talking to myself is just plain crazy.
i've managed to encourage someone to communicate to someone else to figure out what happened
clear someone enough to decide where to go for for internship
yet for me, i can't talk myself to do anything
don't even let people tell me what to do
could i say i'm so stubborn that i'm worse than a rock?
at least a rock will be eroded after long enough
i'm just a fossil
and then i came up with another theory
that i won't let myself succeed in anything, cause i know i'll fail at it in the end
and then i just got slap for saying that. with a flat out no
but i know this much for certain
i haven't been truly happy for a looooooong time. what is happy anyway
ok, maybe i was when i was on my trip to KL and MNL cause i was purely not thinking about anything at all
that's not real life
where is this going. nowhere
just like my life
won't advance, would just decline
of course i wouldn't be able to get a wife, with this mindset
i'm not that stupid
no one would want me
still amazed people talk to me
in person me is different than online me is different than close frds me
maybe i'll just be a bitch from now on
too bad i won't ever be like that when i'm interacting with people
forces me to push it all to online, typing to no one in particular
talking to people about it will just make it hurt even more
time to punch my head against the wall
|Sunday, June 22nd, 2014|
oh, second entry this month, a more normal one, just another random thoughts time
wait, what do i even want to write about tonight
i just know my heart is troubled, but by what, i have no real idea this time
been longing for asia, or maybe just HK for the whole time i've been back
just keep thinking about it.could be the fact that i know i'm flying back in dec is causing me to have it on my mind constantly
or maybe it's cause i had too much fun this time
or maybe there's some unfinished business that i don't know about that i need to take care of waiting for me there
or maybe it's just cause i can feel like i am myself there
or there are just too many maybes
or maybe it's just cause i'm too relaxed there
or would it be due to i have too many love there
or i can just blame it on wanting to throw everything away and doing it all over again
wait, that's stupid, i don't have that kind of luck or luxury
i need help, bad
but i doubt anything would work that well
it'll just happen again. it's not like this is new
talking of luck
i don't feel like i have any. or more like i don't feel like i've ever done anything right in my life
i actually can't think of doing anything right
i've just been doing things, doing what others have said. nothing new. always seem to be getting things wrong.
i can keep things running, but that doesn't mean it's the right, or even good
yeah, i know it's all to do with me having no confidence in myself, but since when did you not know that?
don't tell me it's the first day you know me.
if you haven't figure that out by this point, ok
i don't know what to say, i don't know how to say things, i don't even know what people want
how am i going to survive
what's easier. living by yourself, living with someone, or just killing myself right now?
how do you even try again when you don't think you have a chance?
or don't even think you have had a chance from the start
here's a fun one
my frd told me to pray that God will keep the heart of the one He has for me closed until she meets me
but it feels more like it should be keeping my heart open to look for the one
but then i don't even think i'll ever find that one, so i guess it wouldn't matter either way
hence, maybe i should end it all, before it lasts too long
too bad that might go really badly and then i'll be stuck at some weird place for life
knowing long term care works is not a good thing
so if awkward silences become normal silences, maybe it's time i become a monk or one of those and go to the deep mountain so i wouldn't bother anyone, cause no one have any time anymore now
|Monday, June 2nd, 2014|
guess what? this will actually be a semi decent post, instead of the usual rant on no end til the randomness ends it all kind of post.
as some of you would know, i applied to UBC for the dietitian program a while back, and by a while, I do mean a long time ago. so after all the paper application, and then the in person interview that i had to do before i flew back to HK for my vacay, it was just waiting for the result. so, finally got the answer this past monday, after needing to unceasingly check my email the whole time when i was in HK and then KL and then MNL, and then back to HK, and it turned out to be a dud. well, i went into the whole process kinda fooling around, wanting to get in, but having a feeling that i wouldn't be able to cause of my low average from before. even getting to the interview part was a bit of a shocker to me, cause i did not foresee that at all. well, at least now i know if i want to try again, i either have to do a lot of things, or go to another place to apply for the program. or i could just do something really random and not pursue this anymore. still trying to determine why i even try for it in the first place, was it to prove a point, or i actually wanted to go through with it. at this point, i'd say it was a 70/30 split between those 2 options, but that's beside of the point of this right now.
so, told my manager about that monday so we can figure out my work schedule for the next year. and then few days ago, friday?, we were talking again, and i was saying how UBC wouldn't even allow those that got rejected a chance to ask why they got rejected and just kept talking. and she mentioned that when she told the district manager about it, the DM was glad i didn't get in just so she wouldn't lose me. i'm like, errr ok. that's a bit possessive, and then she asked me if i want to go for the manager post that's opened at another site, and well, she knew what i'd say already anyway. and even she knows it, and even my DM knows it. and well, when my mgr mentioned to DM about wanting to push me to that mgr posting, the DM was trying to discourage her too, or something like that. bottom line, my DM doesn't seem to want to let me go, cause if i do get that post, i'd be under another DM so I wouldn't be under her district. and apparently, the DM wanted to get me something that'd fit me better than just a diet tech job anyway, along the line of working on the backend of the program that we use to process the menus. i'll take it as the truth when she approaches me with that job, but until then, i'll just figure out what to do in the meantime.
so all this brings me to this. all my life, and i do mean the whole thing, i've never had to think too hard about what to do, like it just comes. ok, that's a lie, i do have to think, but in the end, the thing that i end up doing, it was handed to me. going into UBC, that was a random choice. going to HK for exchange, that was done so last minute it wasn't funny. working at HK airport, my mom hooked me up. and then with all the jobs that i've had after uni grad, they just came, other than that period when i quitted minoru full time, and got back into the airport, but that's a whole different game. and now, with this, my manager and DM are talking behind my back literally to figure out what to give me to do in the future. i'm like wtf. i honestly can't say God is not with me, cause i'm one of those that can't make up my mind type of person, the ones that don't know what i want/need. like He'll provide my daily bread right now, literally. this be odd. and something something.
yeah, that's about it with regards to updates to the application of the program. i think that's the end of that for now
trip reflection tmmr night just cause it's 3am now
|Monday, April 21st, 2014|
time to write, this time not really to vent. or maybe it is, but i don't think i can define this one as one of those late night bitch fest session yet. it's more to reflect on what happened and stuff. am i getting deep? no, it's just late enough. this wouldn't be a long post. at least not at this point.
attended a farewell party for someone from church last night, even though she's not flying out for another few weeks. but that's beside the point. so one of the games, more like the only game cause the picking up paper bag was just decided so on the spot, was answering questions and then the person leaving would pick the best answer out of the batch. even from the start, when we made up the team name, i knew the game would get awkward. for me. i basically didn't bother trying to think up an answer for the non fact questions because the answers that would be given her are just playing off my name, like tom wong (who/what she would miss), tom wong's birthday (when would be the next time she'd come back to vancouver). i couldn't stop laughing cause the answers were absurded enough but still made sense. ...and the weird thing was she'd pick those answers as the top answer too. i was shocked. haha
i think if it happened with another group of frds or it happened few years back, i'd just storm off. not that i didn't think about doing that, mind you, but realizing that it's all fun and games, i stayed and played along. having been teased about me and other girls before have made me get really tender whenever this topic ever comes up. i got too annoyed when it happened, cause i hate being bothered by people about my own life. not that i wouldn't throw a fit now, but i wouldn't act out as badly, i guess. or maybe it just depends on who i'm with. i don't even know what got my frds to keep answering with my name cause it would not have been the first thing that i'd use. but who would use your own name to answer everything unless you're so self absorbed and egotistic. the answers got so bad that the host had to stop us from using names to answer the questions, haha. other teams tried to follow suit too.
so as someone that thinks too much now think, wtf happened last night. why did they try to use my name so much as answers? they just want to embarrass me or they don't want to think up better answers? but more along the lines of trying to make something happen? i don't know and i don't really want to know. so you might be asking why am i writing this down? i just want to remember this cause it made me laugh so bad that i wanted to hide.although it might just have been me wanting to run away that i wanted to hide. esp when i don't know how i feel about her still/ i think i like her, but i don't know how to say it. or if she even likes me back i feel she does, but you know, i don't like to over expose myself
don't think i'll ever know how to speak my heart
this will be one of those things that will linger in my brain for a long time to come, mainly because it was so different than my usual routine. and for other odd ball reasons. farewell parties can get too silly. i should end before i say something i'll regret. not really regret but TMI. but who reads this anyway. i should just talk and talk and talk and stuff.
............msg me if you're reading this line
|Sunday, April 6th, 2014|
what is the real purpose of vacation? People seem to always want to take time off and "get away". do they want to go see new places, or just escape their daily lives. sure, there are those that haven't taken any extended time off away from what they've been doing for a long time, but that's kinda the minority. and then there's those that are retired but still want to work, fearing that if they don't work, they'll get so useless. i always wonder how each person decide. if those that are always wanting to take time off always looking for something new, or they hate their life that much that they need to leave it behind all the time. but yet, they'd always go back to it. maybe they need the money or they're just too lazy to get another job, or they just can't get something else? or maybe i'm just thinking too much.
am i excited to go on my break finally. of course. but remembering i'd have to come back and fix all the potential messes is not something i want. not looking forward to that at all
next up, fight for the things that you love
|Tuesday, January 14th, 2014|
How many people am I bothering by posting this up. You're reading this when I'm most certain you have something better to do than to feel sorry for me. For such non issues.
Am I holding my own life back, or are the actions that I take holding my life back. Since I started to work, I've never really had a clear weekend off. Did I do that to myself? Maybe I should have complain like one of my current co-supervisors. She complained to the manager and instead of working Fri to Mon, her schedule got changed so she only has to work one weekend day now. Why didn't I do that? Oh right, I gave up after a while, knowing that I wouldn't be able to have a normal life anyway. And then I resorted to work as my drug, I guess. Working the flip flop shifts to a total of like 50 something hours a week at one time. All for what? Just so I can escape the pain of remembering I can't hold a real social life, can't act normally. Might as well just work it all instead of having too much time at home doing nothing, thinking why I don't advance anywhere.
Expressing feelings in person, that's like my weakest point. i can yell and be pissed at people, but somehow, i don't have the happy gene. or more like i can't let people know how i feel about them sometimes. maybe cause i don't want to deal with the aftermath, so i don't tell people things. or maybe it would just go completely opposite of what i'd expect.
|Sunday, January 5th, 2014|
there are times when i reflect back on this place, if there's a true purpose of me venting here, when i don't expect that many people to come over, especially when basically no one actually has been informed about this page. and then i remember, if i don't put it in here, maybe i'll just ram my car into the closest tree that i can find, which would be less than 100 meters from my house but then it would do nothing. or maybe a house? or as a frd of mine said, use the benzodiazepines (a type of sleep med) + alcohol + carbon monozide
combo. too hard to obtain, maybe
free writing, this is what this place is intended for. but when i hold back on what to write in here, can it still be considered that, or is it just my standard of not willing to share anything. extrovert enough, but introvert more. so often i just want to tell people to shut up and leave me alone. more so when i get off work. what is there to talk about. it's always the same old pathetic go to work, come home wanting to murder everyone at work, eat dinner, slump in front of the computer trying to numb my oh so useful head, burn myself out, and then repeat as needed after 4 hours in bed. you might be wondering if murder is too intense a verb to be used in this scenario, and my reply would be yeah. manager that's pregnant and only there 4 times a week, employees not caring to help each other out but would dish out heart attacks, stupid questions all day long. is supervising really meant to be babysitting? or maybe the question should become, when did adults becomes infants? the moment they start working menial jobs? or when they are stupid enough to bring personal issues into the work place. never mind that, even if i get an answer, it's not like i can brainwash the staff.
went to a wedding today that's surprisingly on time. dance floor opened at the end of night after dining time. i just sat at the back, at my table, looking in. and then i ponder. and when i ponder, nothing good ever comes out of it. what do i enjoy more. but then it became reminding myself that, see, all those people are going to (i think my ears are kinda deaf) have life, and i'll just stay for a while, for a while. what's a while. wait, a while is gonna be awhile. and then i remember, wait, it's not like i have anything good, so yeah, gonna stay awhile. i just get worked, like people really care? and if you say i should stop thinking like this, tell that to me 10, 15 years ago. like that's gonna help. i have a feeling posting this, people will just be like, awwwwwwwwwwww, here, life will be better, don't feel so bad. been there, done that. i'm just venting right now. it'll not end anytime soon.
i feel like i should tell one of my friends to stop bugging me on an issue that's been going on for a while. something that i don't have much chance in succeeding in accomplishing it. too many negative factors. and this has been made this ambiguous because it involves people that are on my close frds list, that's why you are seeing the link now, if you actually click through and get to this point of the rambling.
3am, maybe i should sleep
|Friday, October 25th, 2013|
. tomg, it's 102. when was the last time this happened?!
it's gotten to the point of getting me annoyed again. there are way too many people trying to get me a mate...
started with my hairdresser, and then the OT at work. and now, basically the whole office, even the district manager, is in on the game
what the hell
I really want to tell them to get the hell out of my business, but how do you tell that to your manager, and district manager. blah
if i wanted a girlfriend, i would have gotten one already.
i don't even know what's worse anymore. the pretend attention of trying to look for someone for me, or the teasing i got back in elementary for always hanging out with the same girl for like 4 years
that kinda killed my childhood. but wait, there's more! for a low low price of 29.99 plus shipping and handling, you get to suffer a girl asking you flat out randomly if you like her and then having to lie about it just to not cause further awkwardness
fuck my life
and people wonder why i don't want to get a girlfriend
i operate oppositely, the more i'm bothered by it, the more i won't do it. ish
other than going to manila, i guess, when i forced my way to go back in 07 mmm
i don't expect people to comprehend me, so, I'm just going to suck it up, and continue this vicious cycle to nowhere fast.
wabble wabble wabble
wonder who will be the next grp to attempt to look for someone for me. i don't foresee my church frds doing it, and definitely not with the school friends. so maybe that's it. nah, that's too easy. it'll never end.
why i even use this platform. unno. maybe it's cause i have no one better to talk to. everyone's married, dating, engaged, what have you. single is one term that i haven't seen in a while. well, i do see it, but the single ones, they don't seem to want to talk to me, so, livejournal, you're getting the blunt of this endless blabbing.
sometimes, i do see how people view suicide as the easier option, to not care, to just say screw you all, and to finish it up when there's still nothing here for them. because sometimes, there really is nothing worth it. that's actually often enough that happens. even if there's something, it'd come out way too late. went bye bye already.
there's no lesson plan. no tutors, no nothing. they all lie to you how to get things done. if no one likes you, why would you even think there'd be someone somewhere out there that's just for you. if there really is someone out there for everyone, then there wouldn't be so many singles broken hearted out there.
lemme go join them
|Thursday, October 17th, 2013|
should have a bet to see what would haunt me more in the future
getting bullied when i was in grade 1
getting teased for the whole time i was in elementary school for hanging around the same girl after i got to canda
getting friend zoned without even realizing what that term means back in grade 8
getting into a car crash after getting 2 failed midterms back in uni-2
or just being plain stupid in life
we'll know if i bother to go see a shrink
people say take life and control it. but when life is not even there, you're controlling what? thin air? sounds about right.
maybe i need another concussion to knock me into a coma
|Monday, October 7th, 2013|
|oct 13 101
i remember many years ago, like too many years ago, when i was meeting up with my first guys grp, i'd say they'd all get married before i would, and i'd become the babysitter for them. at least the first part has held true now that i'm still the only single guy left within us 4, although not sure about the babysitting part. i think i'd kick the babies before i'd be able to calm them down. tried doing it during summer camp, helping out with looking after the kids while the parents go for the seminar, and failed badly. now, we see who will pop the first baby out first
failing will never leave me either, doubt i'd be able to do what i should do, what i need to do. wait, what DO i need to do anyway? nah, not going to bother answering that question anymore. there's no answer to it. i've never been one to be able to cash in on any opportunities. they just come and go without me even noticing it. what's a better feeling. worthless or useless.should just stick to what i know, which is nothing. but if i know nothing, how i do know i'm sticking to it. mmm
the more i try to write here, the less i know what to put. maybe it is easier to have verbal diarrhea.
|Saturday, September 7th, 2013|
i think to comment on this thing, you would just click on comment on this at the bottom of the entry, to the right ish area, i think...
living with regrets, that's gonna be my life. i told myself to live with no regrets few years back. i know that. but like that's ever gonna happen. i'm going to resort to living a depressed life, not knowing where i want to go and no directions and stuff. sounds about like me, going nowhere.
|Friday, July 12th, 2013|
|jul 2013 101
time to come back to livejournal
even though i've never really use this account, other than to view, but hey, at least it's still my own account since a long time ago
i think this is even before my xanga?
i don't believe writing things down will help me anymore than talking it out
i'd just be wasting everyone's time, even better now that there's no one that know wha
blah gonna sleep first
|Wednesday, July 26th, 2006|
as said before, i will be posting on xanga
, and using this ussername mainly to comment to people, sorry for inconvinient
|Wednesday, January 18th, 2006|
mmm, maybe i should update this a bit more
but i guess first, i gotta figure out how to make the page looks better first :p
|Monday, October 10th, 2005|
| Asian |
You are 64% asian!
You scored high enough, so...Now you are qualified to call yourself an
asian, even if you're not :P *claps* BTW if you scored between 51%-59%,
you are BARELY Asian.
Now that you have your result. I DEMAND that you rate my test. *bows*
If you liked this test. click on my name and take my other tests
damnit. NOW! P.S if you scored low and want to give me a bad rating.
you are an asshole. you either are really stupid or not
asian(understandable) so hands off that mouse and fuck off
| My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: |
|You scored higher than 55% on asian|
|Sunday, June 12th, 2005|
this is like a simulcast from my xanga journal
I almost didn't bother to update this little place today, but then, something came up that is making me sad. YTV's Hit List is ending after its 14 years run on YTV (where else). To most of you, actually 110% of you, you'll say, pfft, who cares. But here's the problem, and since I know some of you read this, I'll keep my blabbing going. Hit List is the only, and I do mean ONLY place anywhere in North America that showcase music from places other the damn North America. If you've read my stuff before, you know how annoyed I am about the NAmerican market not letting European music into the market. Also, it is the only music video countdown that is voted by the viewers, meaning it actually means something, no matter how much people cheat to get the song they want to be on top. Sure, MuchMusic has Power Shift, but it's shit compared to Hit List. So, what now. It's not like I know where I can see a music video countdown online. *grumble grumble*
Onto what I have wanted to say for the past few days, but was too lazy to type it out. All good things ends. Ain't it fun. You want the good things to keep going, but somehow, there's always a way that will end. Sure, it'll make you value things a lot more, but in the end, it'll still be gone. (I think I still put too much on Earthly things, but who doesn't). TV shows that are just getting good are cancelled, singers right at the peak of their performance stage have their lives cut short by some freak accidents, you messing things up by saying/doing one tiny wrong thing that didn't seem to matter at the moment. The list might be able to kepp going, but you know what I mean. If you don't why are you still reading this? You should know by now I don't type everything out.
And then there's your brain. If you don't think, you'll kill yourself. If you think too much, you'll sitll kill yourself. I wonder if there are people that think to the point that they just jump. Actually, dumb question. I should be saying, I wonder if there's anyone that doesn't think and still go jump for the fun of doing it. You never know. There's always the extremists out there.
Damn UBC schedule for next year. Breaks all over the place. Can't go home, cant get anything done. What the hell is wrong with Aggie for giving us those shitty time slots.
Yeh, I'm stopping right now.